As American as Pie

Tonight millions of Americans will face television without the 2008 Bejing Olympics. Instead thousands of satellite trucks parked outside Denver's Pepsi Center will transmit us the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

With such riveting entertainment, I should set down in front of the old CRT with a piece of apple pie ala mode and watch tonight's keynote speaker, Michelle Obama. I'm not going to watch, with pie or not, because Michelle wants the damn pie. And even though the image consultants are trying to tone her down, she looks mean enough to try to wrestle it away from me right here in my isolated, dusty, comfort zone called home.

Harvard-educated Michelle said this April 8 to a group of hopeful, North Carolina mothers:

"Most Americans don’t want much. They don’t want the whole pie. There are some who do, but most Americans feel blessed just being able to thrive a little bit. But that is becoming even more out of reach. The truth is, in order to get things like universal health care and a revamped education system, then someone is going to have to give up a piece of their pie so that someone else can have more."

Michelle, I'm not going to give you my pie. After all, your trial-lawyer friends who have been involved in litigation targeting fast-food corporations will tell you pie is bad for your health. In fact I think I will look after your best interests and never allow a pie past the oven door again.

I'm not as stout as Atlas, Michelle, and you're rather hefty. Let me set you down. The exercise will do you good. By the way, my 27-inch Sanyo CRT is a bit long in the tooth. Do you mind if I come to Chicago and boost one of your 60-inch plasma rigs?